I’ve mentioned before how much I enjoy Stevelikestocurse, a youtuber who always brings a giggle to my otherwise maudlin face. He’s done videos attacking that creepy Vortex guy, that great bit on church signs, and his regular features (Riffing On Mail Call and Five Stupid Things) are always entertaining. I consider Steve a friend in the way that you can have friends online who you’ve never met and only sometimes interacted with. I wouldn’t necessarily take a bullet for the guy, but I’d probably shoot a few people if I thought he’d think it was funny.

But now I fear for Steve’s safety. Steve has recently posted a few of his Five Stupid Things videos that attack the sacred institutions of nerddom, and we all know how well nerds handle that *cough cough Columbine cough cough*. However, I agree with him. And even if I did not, I would defend his right to express himself the same way high school kids do, by going to Marylin Manson concerts even though they don’t really like the music.

So I give to you from what I believe the Glavens will consider the least heretical through to the most heretical videos from a brilliant sarcastic wit:

Five Stupid Things About Modern Vampire Stories
Five Stupid Things About The Lord Of The Rings
Five Stupid Things About Star Trek

All kidding aside, if you get angry about these videos, I understand. I will shoot you, and Steve will no doubt think it is bloody hilarious, but I do understand. And for the record, if you’re curious about the image associated with this piece, I searched on Google for images of Stevelikestocurse and this came back as a match. I think Google has a Patrick Swayze agenda.

Jim

The title really does say it all. When I was in college, I did a few amateur nights and had a lot of fun with it, but since then I have only performed stand-up sporadically. I got a gig at a Battle of the Bands once which was a very bad idea, and I did an amateur night around a year ago.

The fine folks at The New Black asked me if I would do a set as a part of a fundraiser they were doing at Yuk Yuks here in Calgary, and since I’m a huge fan of what they do and who they are, I agreed. So tonight I shall be on stage rambling as I do. If you’re in the area and want to come check it out, you can get tickets at the door and the show starts at 8:00. I’ll be sharing the stage with Kristeen Von Haggen and Lori Ferguson Ford, two much more seasoned and hilarious comedians. I’m not sure if there are more surprises or not, but if that’s not enough to get you out then you should probably burn in Hell.

If Hell was real.

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The Lovely Lady called me today to tell me that I have 666 friends on FaceBook. She thought that was funny, as 666 is one of those anti-religious numbers. I don’t pretend to understand what the Bible means when it says “Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six.” (Revelation 13:18). And honestly, I don’t care.

To me, 666 is a number I associate with metalheads in high school drawing it on their jean jackets as a way to feel like they are making some kind of a statement, though I always thought the statement they were making was “I’m a wanker! Pay attention to me!” However, I’ve made that very same statement in a myriad of different ways, so I never begrudged them for it. My dad tried to explain 666 to me once saying that the Bible said that the number of the beast was the number of demons in Hell, and it wasn’t 666, it was 6^6^6 (or 10,314,424,798,490,535,546,171,949,056) which means that Hell is a very scary and very overcrowded place. But that isn’t referenced anywhere in the book, and I don’t believe people 2000 years ago understood exponential math. But I could be wrong.

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I don’t generally like reality TV, and Survivor is no exception. I speak from a place of blissful ignorance, having never watched an episode, but I am more than familiar with the idea. You take a bunch of people with (hopefully) starkly contrasting personalities, you throw them on a desert island of some kind, and you make them piss each other off and vote each other off. The winner, if you can call the last person on Stupid Island a winner, is then able to use their immeasurable celebrity to get spots advertising local businesses, or possibly a run with a professional wrestling show.

I have no desire to win this show, but last night I realized that I could if I wanted to. How would I do it? Simple. Day  one the teams are formed. For the sake of argument, we’ll call my team Team Ooga and the other team shall be Team Wikwik. They always have these babytalk savage names. I would wait until the two teams were interacting, and then I would kill one of Team Wikwik. While others stare on in horror, I would cook the body and share the food with my team. I would then explain to them that I am a cannibal, and that so long as I am around we will have a vital source of meat and protein. Worse, voting me off the island will require me to return to the island and kill them all.

It’s a sound strategy.

Jim