Daily Bible Reading Facepalm #72 – Grand Theft Ass, Circumsizing Rapists, Innocent Butchers

Wow, things have been crazy. The good news is that I like crazy, and nothing is blowing up in my face, so the end result is that I’m in a good mood. Still attempting to find gainful employment for when this contract ends, still having to sit on the official announcement of my awesome top secret news, and still busy as a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. Tonight, I have the pleasure of playing a gig at The Distillery with the Keith Morrison Band (today featuring Keith, me, Meesh, and Lee), and joined for the night by Chuck E. Deadman (with Miles), Robot Workers, and Fatdog Dupree. So yes, I’m in a really good mood, and now I’m going to ruin it with a little Bibliducation.

Today’s reading, which leads by example, is from Luke 19.28-48, Genesis 34 and Psalm 26. I have a feeling that we’re nearing the point where Jesus is getting ready to be killed, but we aren’t quite there yet. In Genesis, we’ve been following along with the incestuous, lecherous, and scandalous adventures of Jacob, and the Psalms will no doubt be as they almost always are, pathetic attempts at ingratiating the Psalmist to his violent God. Strap on the excitement boots, folks, it’s going to be a mild ride.

We start our Jesus Tales with one of my favorite lessons, stealing donkeys. Sure, thou shalt not steal, but it’s cool if you do it because Jesus needs it. After all, he was a savior on a schedule, and if a little Grand Theft Ass gets the job done, then that’s what we’ll do.

The rest of our Lukening is pretty bland. Jesus comes to town, bemoans how sad it is that the doggone Bethlehimingtons just don’t get how to be good, and God’s going to make ‘em suffer for it. Then he yells at people for selling things in the temple, and people want to kill him but they can’t. Great story telling, Luke.

On to the Great Jacob, who suddenly comes across as the biggest pussy in the history of pussies. His daughter gets raped, but since his sons were out in the fields with the cattle, he didn’t do anything. Really? Well, I can tell you that I have two daughters who live in a far-away land. If either of them were raped, that far-away land would burn with my revenge. But not ole’ Jacob, he just figured he’d hang on a bit.

Fortunately, his sons were crafty, and instead of murdering everyone involved like a rational person would do, they instead convince the guy and his tribe (or family or whatever) to all get circumcised. Don’t get me wrong, that’s plenty funny to me, but I’m still pretty stunned at the lack of reaction. But maybe I’ll keep reading…

Yeah, Jacob still remains a pussy, but at least his sons murder every guy and take the women and children for slaves. Of course, Jacob chastises them for it, but he understands their desire to avenge their sister.

And we’re on to a Psalm, one written by King Dave entitled “The Prayer Of An Innocent Person”. I really hope David is writing this for someone else, because he was among the most bloody tyrants in recorded history.

Wow, it really was him preening about his innocence and general awesomeness. It’s actually pretty sick to read, when you know the life he led.

Well, that’s enough for now. I’ll try to do another one later, but the Bible and me are good in small doses.

Jim

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About biguglyjim

Like a caterpillar that spins a coccoon and emerges as a walrus with a mohawk, Big Ugly Jim has become something unexpected. Raised a fine young Christian boy in the city of Calgary, Alberta, Canada, Jim began to question his teachings, first evaluating the wisdom of other religious and eventually realizing that none of them seemed any more accurate than any other, and not a one of them made a lick of sense. Today, Big Ugly Jim is a musician, a Business Analyst with Large Oil Company Whose Name Is Not Important, a music promoter with the Calgary Beer Core, a writer of fiction and non-fiction, a prick, an atheist, a father, an ex-husband, a role model, a horrifying vision in a red speedo (or at least he would be, if ever that happened which IT WOULD NOT), an announcer, and soon to be an officiator of weddings. Also, he's nice and does dishes. Madly enamoured with his partner, The Lovely Lady, Jim continues to live in Calgary, spreading his filthy doctrine of free, critical thinking and appreciation for music. His turn-ons include and are utterly limited to all that is The Lovely Lady. His turn-offs include people being shitty to each other, fundamentalism, and zebras. Who the hell do they think they are, really?

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