Daily Bible Reading Facepalm #19 – God Gets Dirty Freaky Kinky On Zeke

I’ll need to do another two readings today. Stupid weekends and stupid me not doing my job as an avid reader of the Bible. At any rate, I’m looking out on some very beautiful snow-covered mountains in the distance, testament to God’s great greatness (or possibly a combination of plate tectonics, and the time of the year related to rotation and wobble of the earth and distance from the sun) and I’m ready, willing, and able to make with the Bibling.

Today’s reading, which fills me with exactly the opposite of dread, comes from Ephesians 1, Ezekiel 4-5 and Psalm 150. We have a new letter from Paul, this time berating the Ephesians, we have more from Ezekial, presumably removed from house arrest bondage and allowed to speak again, and we have the final Psalm. I just know it’s going to be a great reading.

Paul tells us that Jesus chose the Jews to live with and start the healing back before the universe was created. Maybe back then they could just have… oh, I don’t know… created people who didn’t need to have someone die for them? I mean, what’s the logic? God stands there, shows Jesus his plans (which are complete and describe the absolute future of all aspects of the life cycle of the universe) and he builds in his own frustrations? Shitty design, buddy.

Aside from that, Paul actually comes across as more like Peter in this letter. We’re only a chapter in, so I’m sure that he’ll cock it up shortly, but there’s no immediate calling people stupid or rambling about circumcision, so that’s a pleasing change.

Oh my. Let’s pretend that you wanted to show people a representation of a city that you were going to destroy. Would you use a brick? Let’s pretend you wanted to show people how long they were going to be punished. Would you use a guy lying on the ground next to the brick? Of course you wouldn’t. But God didn’t have PowerPoint or exciting Flash animation, so he forced Ezekial to lie on his side for 399 days, flip over, and lie on his other side for another 40 days. Imagine the size of Ezekial’s bedsores!

Also, when did God become a bondage kink aficionado? That’s twice he’s had Zeke in bondage, and we’re only on Chapter 4 of his book. And what exactly is Ezekial supposed to do? Spend the next 439 days lying down in bondage and attacking a brick without the ability to move? If I saw someone scolding a brick while tied up for well over a year, I wouldn’t think, “Golly, that must be a prophet!” if you catch my drift.

But it gets worse! Despite being tied up, Zeke is supposed to make his own bread out of a few staples, bread he has to cook over a dookie campfire. Maybe he forgot about Matthew 4:4 which says that man cannot live on bread alone. A year of nothing but poo bread? So far, God has Zeke in bondage, engaging in coprophagia, and suffering immensely. Then later in this passage, he tells the people that they are going to become cannibals. Loving God my left ass cheek.

You know, as I read it, I get why Paul’s such a bastard. God has a cruel side far greater than anything I have ever imagined. And now I get to read a Psalm, which presumably will be all about how just and noble God is. Ick. The Psalms remind me of the justifications of battered spouses. God, when you beat us, it’s because we deserve it. That’s just sick.

I wish I had been wrong. I do love this line from Psalm 150:2 which reads “Praise our God! His deeds are wonderful, too marvelous to describe.” Really? cuz Ezekial’s done a pretty great job of describing his wonderful and marvelous deeds…

Jim

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About biguglyjim

Like a caterpillar that spins a coccoon and emerges as a walrus with a mohawk, Big Ugly Jim has become something unexpected. Raised a fine young Christian boy in the city of Calgary, Alberta, Canada, Jim began to question his teachings, first evaluating the wisdom of other religious and eventually realizing that none of them seemed any more accurate than any other, and not a one of them made a lick of sense. Today, Big Ugly Jim is a musician, a Business Analyst with Large Oil Company Whose Name Is Not Important, a music promoter with the Calgary Beer Core, a writer of fiction and non-fiction, a prick, an atheist, a father, an ex-husband, a role model, a horrifying vision in a red speedo (or at least he would be, if ever that happened which IT WOULD NOT), an announcer, and soon to be an officiator of weddings. Also, he's nice and does dishes. Jim continues to live in Calgary, spreading his filthy doctrine of free, critical thinking and appreciation for music. And ladies, he's single! Hard to imagine, I know, but this loud-mouthed old timer who never grew up's turn-ons include people who can think for themselves, people who aren't afraid of a good giggle or a good pint, and people who know how to give back rubs. His turn-offs include people being shitty to each other, fundamentalism, and zebras. Fucking zebras... Who the hell do they think they are, really?

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