I don’t know why, but I’m bored and thought I’d put some time in thinking about my horoscope. You see, horoscopes (as the title of this post will tell you) are stupid. So I’m going to write the details (to some extent) of my day here and then compare it with the horoscope from my two local papers just to see how incredibly accurate they are.

My day was for the most part rather tepid. I woke up late, went to work, had an all right time at the office, and then went out with a good friend of mine. We were supposed to be going to a job fair, but it looked really weak so we skipped it and ate Arby’s instead. I’m single, I’m mostly okay with that, my back is better though still sore, and my evening looks like it will be quiet. Now, let’s take a look at what the stars have to tell me:

The Herald:
Though your creative energies are juiced right now, you may need to engage in a bit of critique before you can really get to work. You’re good at spotting flaws, but be sure to also look for hidden strengths!

Juiced? Seriously? I had a blah day and am feeling decidedly uncreative. And to what am I critiquing? Well, horoscopes perhaps. It’s true, I’m good at spotting flaws; that’s the skeptic in me. Is there anyone on earth who wouldn’t find this horoscope to be at least partially accurate? Everyone thinks their good at spotting flaws, and the hidden strengths thing is just optimistic blather. Calgary Herald = FAIL

The Sun:
The more you do with friends, peers and family, the better. Sharing your thoughts with people you trust will lead to opportunities and ideas. The more fun you make a project, the more help you will get and the sooner it will be completed. 5 stars

Jesus, that’s not even trying! Those are just fortune cookie comments. There’s nothing there specific to anyone, just good little tidbits to live by. This isn’t chicken soup for the soul, this is my horoscope. Or is it that only Virgos who share their thoughts with people they trust will find new opportunities and ideas? What a load of crap! And the 5 stars means that today is going to be a GREAT day. I’m pretty sure this was not a bad day, but a great day? I don’t bloody think so. Calgary Sun = FAIL

But perhaps that’s not fair… Maybe the newspapers are crappy horoscopes, but there’s some awesome online resource that’s supposed to be a more accurate depiction of my life. Let’s turn to our pal Google, shall we?

Horoscope.com:
You may be on a slow, steady track of discipline that embraces an older, more traditional way of looking at things, Virgo. Suddenly, however, you’re hit by an aggressive force urging you to do things differently. The more you try to resist this force, the more it’s apt to cause friction and tension. Open your arms and welcome this new energy that will have a very positive effect on you.

Hmm. Do you suppose they mean scientific analysis is the slow, steady track of discipline embracing an older, more traditional way of looking at things? Something tells me that’s not the case. But either way, I don’t remember being hit by any aggressive forces today. There’s no force, so there’s nothing to resist. Oh, wait! The word “may” is present. The implication is of course that I may NOT experience all of this too. What a crock. Horoscope.com = FAIL

Nothing about changing plans. Nothing about my love life. Nothing about dinner with a friend. Nothing about work. And they don’t even seem to line up with one another. And this is just one day, one guy, and one blog entry. When people tell you about horoscopes and planetary involvement, remember the words of Carl Sagan:

Astrology can be tested by the lives of twins. There are many real cases like this. One twin is killed in childhood, in say a riding accident, or is struck by lightning, but the other lives to a prosperous old age. Suppose that happened to me. My twin and I would be born precisely in the same place and within minutes of each other. Exactly the same planets would be rising at our births. If astrology were valid, how could we have such profoundly different fates? It turns out that astrologers can’t even agree among themselves what a given horoscope means. In careful tests, they are unable to predict the character and future of people they know nothing else about except the time and place of birth. Also, how could it possibly work? How could the rising of Mars at the moment of my birth affect me, then or now? I was born in a closed room. Light from Mars couldn’t get in. The only influence of Mars which could affect me is its gravity, but the gravitational influence of the obstetrician was much larger than the gravitational influence of Mars. Mars is a lot more massive but the obstetrician was a lot closer.

Jim