Buy This Handsome Devil

Ladies and gentlemen… well, actually, just the ladies… I present to you a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Thanks to the Calgary Beer Core and their Rock for Tots fundraiser, you too can own a slightly use and oft-abused Big Ugly Jim.

Well, for a night that is.

I’m helping to arrange the first ever Beer Core Bachelor Auction which will take place November 21st at the Distillery in Calgary. All the money goes to the big pile of money that Rock for Tots earns every year, which means that buying me is a very good thing to do.

What’s Rock for Tots you ask? Well, first let’s get out of the way what the CBC is. We’re a collective of punks and metalheads and live music fans who put on shows all year round. We do a lot of charitable giving, and of all the events we put together, my favorite is Rock for Tots.

This is the fifth year of Rock for Tots, which means the fifth year that we have dedicated the month of November to raising money to buy toys for the Salvation Army. The money from the door (plus any other money) is collected and taken to Zellers, and a bunch of punks spend thousands of dollars on toys. It’s a ridiculously fun and sweet time, and the Zellers folks always give us a huge discount and treat us like gold. The toys are then given to the Salvation Army to distribute to needy families.

The 21st will be the first time we’ve done a bachelor auction. I’m not 100% sure that I’ll be up on the block, but I think it’s pretty likely. What woman wouldn’t want to date an aging nerd who refuses to grow up? It’s all for a good cause, and the dates will be made up of donations furnished from local businesses who were kind enough to give us their products and services.

Speaking of which, if you work for a local business that would love the advertising, we’ll gladly promote you in exchange for the kinds of goods and services that make a date memorable. Just send me a line and we can figure out the details.

I know it’s pathetic, but I just hope someone bids on me. I’d hate to go for $5 to some toothless crack addict. Though it would be funny as hell.

Jim